My past haunts me everyday; my past taunts me everyday 

I overcame my addiction, but I am haunted and taunted everyday.

I changed my life for the better, and I got myself clean and sober with my familys’ help. This “new” life I was given isn’t easy though.. 

You’re all probably thinking “wow, she’s selfish and doesn’t realize the second chance she was given” or something similar. 

I am grateful. I am very damn grateful. Before you judge me, answer these questions; Do you have constant reminders every single day of your past? Do you get taunted and/or haunted everyday? Do you know how easily I could give in and lose all the progress I have made within 2 years? I overcame heroin addiction, and I am grateful for my second chance but my temptations and struggles come into play everyday of my life. 

As many of you may know, drugs are taking over and many states/countries have horrible epidemics due to drugs. Well, my state, and county I live in, has one of the worst heroin/opiate/opioid epidemics going on right now (not in the whole world, it’s just our worst epidemics to date).

What does that mean for me? Good question. That means everyday I have a constant reminder of my past. I can leave my house to go to the store and be hit with memories that can trigger a relapse. People, places, and things can cause a relapse. So, if I visit Wal-Mart and I used there (which I never have), I could be floaded with memories and triggers. What does that mean? That means I could visit the store, have flashbacks to when I used and get the “urge” to go use. Which I would then be “relapsed.”

I am literally scared to death whenever I leave my house. I usually only go to work and then home. However, I will ocassionally go to the store, or to get my nails and/or hair done, etc. That is very rarely though. Who should be scared to leave their home? It sounds pathetic probably, but until you’re an addict in recovery who truly never wants to go back to addiction, then you’ll never understand.

As I drive to work, the mall, nail salon, hair salon, etc., I see drug deals, overdosed people sitting on the sidewalks as I drive by, people with needles in their arms, and sadly I can’t stop to help them because that jeopordizes my recovery. If they are overdosed, I help, which everyday 5-9 people overdose in my small county a day. But I refuse to stop and try to talk sense into an addict who has a needle in their arm because I know they won’t listen or get clean until they are ready.

It may make me sound rude, or selfish, but all of us who truly know about addiction knows no one will get clean until they are ready. So, how does seeing people doing drugs, or dying on the side of the road affect me? It’s simple. It reminds me everyday of my past, when I try to do CPR (very often too) on a overdose victim I will most likely see used drugs, needles, straws, or even un-used drugs. After you revive someone and you’re an addict it helps remind you to never go back, but theirs more reminders (triggers), to go back.

More often than I would like to, I see my old friends and people I met during my addiction. That is one hell of a taunt/trigger for me. You reminise on the past, and it reminds you of all the fun you had with your old friends. It makes you wish sometimes that you still “fit in” (do drugs) with them. That’s one easy way to relapse. You miss having people. Once you get clean, all those “friends” disappear. 

It is not a easy life for a recovering addict. You get “the hang” of things after so long, but everyday you are haunted and taunted to go back to being a drug addict. I see more and more of my friends dead or dying. 

People think being clean and staying clean is easy, but damn they are wrong.

I have seen things after being clean that I never want to see again, nor do I want to see myself that way.. ever.

If you have never experianced addiction first hand, or watched a loved on suffer addiction then you may or may not understand certain things addicts go through. 

Thank you for reading, I hope you enjoy(ed)!

Have a blessed Sunday night everyone.

-Life as a 20-something

i do not have the rights to the photos i used; photo credits:

2 thoughts on “My past haunts me everyday; my past taunts me everyday 

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